maybe I miss people

Getting emotionally attached to anything doesn’t really happen to me.  I have never missed a person, place, or thing that I can remember.  But lately, I’ve been okay with the fact that some people are just special to me. And I wouldn’t mind being with them or sacrificing my time for them.

Jeopardy - His crude humor is offputting, but careful examination of his life shows that he is passionate about many things.  He can tell a story by the way he dances, he can take a ton of data and make it useful and understandable, and if he puts his mind to something, he can really excel at something (ok this is mainly video games).  I’ve seen him mature, break out of his shell, become less hostile to the gospel, and over Carnival, for the first time ever, he had to support me in something.  Always, I am the one giving advice to him or helping him deal with issues, and seeing his serious side work on me was a nice change for once.

Jason - Our relationship was cautious at first. We had no idea who the other was, but in the two years of discipleship, Jason was able to build me up and help me sort through a ton of questions.  Sometimes, it’s difficult to work with someone with my style, but he has shown me patience in times that I was not very responsive, and grace in times when I’ve messed up.  Towards the end of his stay here, I found myself in the position of supporting and reaching out to him because he’s the kind of guy who will serve and serve and serve to the point where he’s tired, but people don’t think he needs to be served. And he will bear that burden himself and won’t easily let others help him.  On Saturday of Carnival, we talked about 8 hours straight.  Now, I know it is my turn to take care of him.

Daroon - She’s the annoying little sister I never had.  Her very particular nature make it hard to deal with her at times, and she can be such a foolish child, but when her darunisms came out when we caught up over dinner, I felt a sense of comfort and familiarity that I had almost forgotten.  I hope she is still growing and learning more about God.

C-Dawg Fresh - He was one of the first people I met in ACF.  He’s also the best discussion group leader, by far, that I have had the privilege of being in the same group with.  Most of my observations involve seeing him lead and serve the fellowship, and rarely do I see him get appreciated.  I can’t recall a single negative interaction I had with him. When it hit me that next year, he’ll be leaving to go to dental school, some sense of urgency or anxiousness crossed my heart.

Cyndie - When I get married, I want an older daughter and younger son because I never had anyone really be an older sister-like figure in my life.  Cyndie is the closest to a noona I’ve ever had. She has a great appreciation for life, and it’s quite refreshing to be around her. She has looked out for me, making sure that both my social and professional life are going well.  I’m glad she has found a church she regularly attends in the city.

Bernard Yuan 2:48PM, a person with feelings.

Last sentence made me tear.

I read all my tumblr posts up to sophomore year. It’s crazy to see what God has made me.  That refined beauty and detailed exactness that He puts into each and every one of us is really cool.

"Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?"

Romans 6:16 NASB

Would you rather be a slave to the Almighty King of the Universe or slave to the brokenness and treachery of the world?

On the walk home, I took a detour. Sitting on the bleachers of Gesling Stadium, I prayed alone out loud to God for the first time ever. And putting all my brokenness aside, with all my heart, I prayed. Funny, a lot of it was supplication.  The rest was admitting my own shortcomings to God and praying the hardest I’ve ever prayed for certain people. A bunny and a cat visited me. I wonder if they have friends and family. I wonder if they are loved and if they love others.  
The experience was beautiful, not in the fluffy yay way, but in the “I know life really sucks but God designed it a certain way, and I know that as a child of God.  And somehow, I find it the most beautiful thing ever” kind of way.
I think the most painful thing a human could ever experience is either having someone enter their world, their own little bubble, make a real genuine connection, have that spark, no matter how small, and then exit the bubble, forever, or hurting someone on purpose because it’s for their own good,  hurting out of love. I apologize for the grammar of the previous sentences, which I know to be incorrect, but lately, I’ve seen a lot of relationships get to the point in which they simply fade away. It’s so sad. And with graduation approaching, this will only become more true.  All things come to pass.  But for the things I was fortunate enough to receive, God, here’s my broken hallelujah.  Here’s all of me. Here’s everything I got. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. My Lord. My Savior. My Joy. My Peace. My Love. My wholly undeserved Prize.
Nothing fell from the sky while I was sitting there, but it was raining, and my socks got wet.

On the walk home, I took a detour. Sitting on the bleachers of Gesling Stadium, I prayed alone out loud to God for the first time ever. And putting all my brokenness aside, with all my heart, I prayed. Funny, a lot of it was supplication.  The rest was admitting my own shortcomings to God and praying the hardest I’ve ever prayed for certain people. A bunny and a cat visited me. I wonder if they have friends and family. I wonder if they are loved and if they love others.  

The experience was beautiful, not in the fluffy yay way, but in the “I know life really sucks but God designed it a certain way, and I know that as a child of God.  And somehow, I find it the most beautiful thing ever” kind of way.

I think the most painful thing a human could ever experience is either having someone enter their world, their own little bubble, make a real genuine connection, have that spark, no matter how small, and then exit the bubble, forever, or hurting someone on purpose because it’s for their own good,  hurting out of love. I apologize for the grammar of the previous sentences, which I know to be incorrect, but lately, I’ve seen a lot of relationships get to the point in which they simply fade away. It’s so sad. And with graduation approaching, this will only become more true.  All things come to pass.  But for the things I was fortunate enough to receive, God, here’s my broken hallelujah.  Here’s all of me. Here’s everything I got. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. My Lord. My Savior. My Joy. My Peace. My Love. My wholly undeserved Prize.

Nothing fell from the sky while I was sitting there, but it was raining, and my socks got wet.

"You don’t say you love somebody and then just walk away."

— Michelle Welton (fictional character from Bones)

Rest in peace grandma. I’ll remember you forever.

stayeducated:

So for those who are familiar with indifference curves there’s a point in time where you reach the marginal rate of substitution. Basically it’s the point or rate where a consumer will willingly exchange units of good x for units of good y.

For example you may prefer apples to oranges. But after…

YES THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

ecnomixpls

"Love is willing to get hurt. Love gives and needs no return. When love lives, it needs no words."

— Anthony Evans

I’m no superman

The grandparent I was closest to was my grandma on my mom’s side. When I was little, she used to pick me up from elementary school and tell me stories on the way home. She’s the crazy cat lady that can’t help but adopt strays because she loves them. She cooked and cleaned for me. She sewed me pajamas from window curtains. Her mind is as sharp as a knife; she loves to play strategy games. Her warm nature was well-known among even my American neighborhood. If you could think of the warm, loving grandma stereotype, it was her.  One of her most common quotes is “Don’t waste your time and resources on me. I’m old and useless. Use it on Bernie and Andrea.” She is self-sacrificing and only through the grapevine do I ever hear about it.

I thought about writing this post a few days ago, but for some reason, I didn’t. I’m not sure why.  My grandma is dying. She was diagnosed with late stage lung cancer in both lungs a few weeks ago. “Healthy” patients usually have six months after that to live. She is over 80 years old.  My mom flew to China three weeks ago to take care of hospital stuff. The hospital system is broken in China, and only through a lot of string pulling and the Lord knows what other bullshit that goes on in the country, did she even get admitted to the hospital.  My grandpa, who is just as old, hasn’t even retired yet and this situation is killing him.  My mom is the most depressed she’s been in years, to the point where she will sleep most of the day to avoid dark thoughts.  My dad isn’t helping at all around the house; he could easily cook dinner or take out the trash (my dad is a very handy person usually), but he didn’t. My mom came home Saturday; she is going back tomorrow because grandma was just put in the intensive care unit.

And here I am, at a 52k per year school, dicking around.  I can’t do anything about the situation.  The past few months, I had it all figured out. I got a job at the fifth largest bank in the nation, helped organize a campus wide freshmen outreach event, got a little and a disciple, worked up the courage to ask an amazing girl out for the first time, progressed in so much knowledge of different topics through research, was a consistent member of cell group and ACF Bible prestudy, became a lot more adept at reading scripture, joined worship team, served on a missions trip in the ghetto, and still managed to find time to encourage the fellowship in other ways.  Yeah, I’m a real man now *puffs chest*. 

In all likelihood, my grandma will never see any of her grandchildren graduate (I’m the oldest). She will never see any of them get married. She will never see her grandkids. She might never know Jesus. This is how I feel right now.  Society tells us we must all have it together. But I am powerless.  Every time the phone buzzes, I fear it’s my mom texting me again that there’s been an emergency. I suppose I should have been expecting this. At my age, declining health and death of family members should not be surprising. 

What’s worse than all this is that I am not even fully shattered. Yeah, the situation sucks, but I think an ordinary person would be begging the Lord for mercy.  The average person would be bawling out of sadness.  Their sadness would be real.  Yet I feel almost nothing. I do have a disdain for emotions, but if there was ever a time when they were appropriate, shouldn’t it be now? Shouldn’t my sorrow be real?  I don’t know…and even if I had all the answers in the world, would it change anything?

I know that Jesus is the only one in charge of doing this, but I’m sorry I couldn’t save you grandma. I’m no superman.

I know what I’ve been told
You gotta know just when to fold
But I can’t do this all on my own
No, I know, I’m no Superman
I’m no Superman

- Lazlo Bane

There’s a highly reblogged image going around with a picture of a woman wearing a tanktop with a cross on it with the caption “Roses are red, violets are blue, let me smash patriarchy with you.”

That’s funny because God set up a patriarchy. The world, as designated by God, is to be run by males. I think men who abuse their power in leadership are scumbags and should be judged accordingly, but dear feminist nazis, in your pursuit of whatever cause you deem noble, don’t lose sight of the truth.  It’s not arguable that God set up men to lead the world. Sincerely, someone who reads scripture.

"But My righteous one shall live by faith; And if he shrinks back, My soul has no pleasure in him. But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul."

Hebrews 10:38-39 NASB

A message to those who think living a comfortable Christian life is acceptable.

people pleasing

"I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

"When a people pleaser dies, he sees the life of someone else flash before his eyes."

Those who know me know that I have a disdain for people pleasers. Without going into details as to why, I will proceed to relate this to God right away.  

God. Your Lord, master of time and space, ultimate designer/architect of the universe is very detailed and He structures everything accordingly.  You.  God weaved the very fabric of your DNA (biologists come at me bro jk idk anything about biology please don’t hurt me), to make you special,  to make you unique. You are an individual. Ever wonder why you have your strengths and weakness? Your passions? Your talents and gifts? Why they’re different from others’? Ever wonder how different parts of the body work separately, yet together, how we have missionaries, and pastors, and corporate executives, and students and doctors all doing work that points to Heaven?

God doesn’t treasure some ill-manufactured essence of your being.  God treasures you. He has each individual name written down. He sent his Son to die for each one of you.  He knows your name and He knows what’s on your heart.  

So be different. Understand that most likely, there is no human more powerful in your life than yourself. Understand that you are the one who will accomplish your dreams and aspirations. You already beat out a billion other sperm and a hundred thousand eggs to become first place winner of life itself. And if you think you can’t do it, your inadequacies are already compensated for by One far greater, so what’s left here on Earth is one very specific and particular being. You. 

When you are not being yourself, and you are living to please other people, you are mocking God’s creation of your very being. You are undermining his work.  So disregard all the haters. Because haters gon hate. Respect the Creator’s work.

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you." -Dr. Suess