I’m stuck in Suzhou, China with severly limited internet and nothing to do all day. I wake up at 8 am, walk to the market to get something to eat, rewatch some movie, eat lunch, go out and do chores with my dad, come back and eat dinner, shower and sleep. All the down time in between I pace around the room and stare at the floorboards. Having all this time of boredom has given rise to two problems, which I attribute to my strong imagination. With nothing to keep me busy, lust and anger have become central to my day; for example I have already thought of all the things in the past few months that made me angry. This is pretty unhealthy and I don’t like it but I have nothing better to do. I should have brought my Bible (luggage full) why why why why did I think I could use the internet I don’t even have esword what a stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid move.
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I understand Chinese culture and language much better than most people, yet all my time here has felt so empty. There is very little that I see that I can relate to the gospel. I can’t even share the gospel with people because my Chinese isn’t that good. I want the gospel to be present here, but I myself don’t have a heart for the people because I don’t really like China, the culture or the people.
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I feel like I’m wasting my life here.
To follow up with my last few posts, the walk of life is difficult, whether it is about loving people, disipline, or trust in God. I wrote a little about how my discipline has been lacking the past few days, the days I needed it the most and this problem was pretty prevalent the entire semester. Why would God put me at CMU, make me take exams for courses I have so much trouble understanding, and let my discipline fall? I probably got only a day and a half of good studying done when I had 6 days to study for it. Yet the day before my exam, on my birthday while I was in Hunt library, I felt either peace of apathy. I didn’t worry at all and I guess it was a good thing. Even after I took my exam and didn’t think I did well at all, I still did not feel anxiety, so I guess praise God. But then my grades came out and I did not achieve what I wanted. This means I have to figure something out for this summer to make up for it. I can honestly say I am trying my best to trust God every step of the way, but what the heck is He trying to tell me in this situation? What is He saying by letting another semester go to crap like this? All the time I spent on this class went to waste pretty much. Since then, the anxiety and heavy heartedness has started to manifest. This affected the way I treated my parents as well as my overall mood; both were not good.
I suppose there’s nothing really important I need to say, it’s just that so much has happened in the past few weeks; I didn’t have a job back then, but then I had a choice of two, then my housing changed, I find out I am starting work later than the other interns because of my trip to China, I’m having trouble getting my recommendation letters for work and I spent the whole day yesterday moving boxes, half of which I put in the wrong place and one I might have lost. What the heck is going on? How do I get closer to God through all this? I’m just so frustrated and my trip to China isn’t helping me sort any of this out.
I woke up in a bad mood. I had a brand new nightmare which is strange because I only ever have the same recurring one. I felt like garbage the entire day and could not bring myself to study, which I can only attribute to events that occured yesterday. Another waste of a day, yet I don’t know what God is trying to tell me. I prayed a lot today. Lord can’t you see your servant is suffering?
Today was a terrible day. I planned to just get a nice lunch with some people I wanted to hang out with and we ended up staying in the area for a long time. Cool, God changes plans and fellowship is good. It ended up being a huge waste of time. Loving people is hard. Don’t they understand that I’m trying? Should have stayed home and studied.
One of the biggest issues I had this semester was finding an internship. I felt lost and empty at times when I was still searching (though not because I think a job is fulfilling but because I want to know God’s will for me). Now, I already have one as a Data Engineer with a startup company in Oakland, 15 minutes walk from where I plan to live. I got another offer today for a Business Analyst position with American Eagle, a company I wanted to work for since high school. However, it pays significantly less and is farther. In addition, this will somewhat determine which direction I move in my career. I need to make my decision keeping in mind my area of outreach in the future. Now a seemingly easy decision got much more difficult. God is good because He has opened these doors. Funny situation I’m in.
"Not, how much of my money will I give to God, but how much of God’s money will I keep for myself."
— John Wesley
O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger. When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea, whatever passes along the paths of the seas. O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!
-Psalm 8
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I feel like God gives me so much, yet I am barely doing anything for him. Doesn’t seem like an equal trade. Who am I that He chooses to give me all this, when all I can do is thank him yet still ask him for more? It’s funny because many months ago, I got my first interview while listening to “God of this City” by Chris Tomlin. The verse I was listening to was “greater things are still do be done in this city,” I’m working in Pittsburgh.
